Excerpt Episode 8 of Tanya’s latest book Relationship Reruns

“I always date down. It keeps my self-esteem high,” Patrice confessed.

“What do you mean date down?” I inquired.

“Dating down is deliberating dating someone who has less than you do financially, intellectually, professionally, socially and emotionally so that they can think that they have hit the jackpot and smother you with loads of attention. It makes me feel a little superior to them so I am in complete control of the relationship. Feeling superior in my dating relationships lifts my self-esteem. I need for men to be totally into me and to think that I am the best thing that has happened to them. Girl, I need a lot of attention from men that is why I date down.”

“Patrice that is not healthy”, I said in shock. “Feeling superior to someone does not help keep your self-esteem lifted.”

“It may not over a long period of time, but it works for a while.” Patrice boldly added.

“Dating down. Do women really do that?” I continued to ask.

“It’s not just women,” Gerald interrupted. “Men date down too. I do it from time to time myself when my confidence is crashing.”

“Wow!”


This was the topic of conversation at breakfast one Saturday morning with a group of friends who I fellowship with frequently to discuss family, finances and romance. The subject of dating down literally floored me. I could not grasp the concept of “dating down.” It threw me for a loop. I could not internalize why such beautiful and financially independent professional men and women confessed that they engaged in a dysfunctional dating cycle to help keep their self-esteem high.

But a small inner voice reminded me that this was not a concept that was foreign to me. I may not have called it “dating down.” However, I had on many occasions subconsciously gravitated towards men whom I had absolutely nothing in common with. In fact the men in those “dating down” relationships gave me tons of uninterrupted attention, seemed more dedicated to making sure that I was totally satisfied and did not hesitate to frequently engage in excessive amounts of public displays of affection. But like oil and water these relationships did not mix.

A vast number of people who lower their standards believe that they can change a person into whoever they want them to be. If the person does not meet your dating standards and expectations when you first meet them then you should not force the relationship. Dating them, giving them money, taking them places that they have never been before, moving them into your house and the other crazy antics will never satisfy you because in the deep chambers of your soul you know that you have settled for less than what you deserve.

This concept of “dating down” is the premise for Ian Kerner, Ph.D national bestselling book Be Honest―You’re Not That Into Him Either. Kerner argues that today daters, particularly women are injecting themselves with intentional dating misery because they’ve gotten stuck on the dating treadmill or force themselves into relationships that go-nowhere. Kerner writes “ Go on enough bad dates and your hopes of finding love are sure to diminish. You start to make adjustments, taking the realistic and pragmatic approach. You begin to settle. You know that frogs don’t turn into princes, so you lower your standards enough until it gets difficult to tell the two apart.” In essence, this is the reasoning for Patrice and Gerald’s “dating down” concept.

Dating someone to build up your self-esteem is ineffective. Compatibility must be present on all levels-spiritually, financially, emotionally, professionally, intellectually―for any dating relationship to have longevity. Compatibility does not mean an exact sameness. However, it does mean that both of you are on the same playing field.

But when you get caught up in the fantasy that “dating down” is your only hope for romance, then your relationship becomes like a hamster running on the wheel. It runs around in a fast circle without a definite destination. Refuse to settle for less than your best because you will almost always end up in a relationship mess.

Tanya White is a Freelance Writer, Relationship/Lifestyle Enhancement Coach/Author/Radio Host. For more information about Tanya’s writing, books or to be a guest on her radio show Real Talk With Tanya White, please visit www.tanyawhite.com.

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